kiss out the jams on the grammys

OMGSTFUQT

This was probably the single worst Grammys show I've ever seen, winnerwise and performancewise. No surprises (John Mayer/Corinne Bailey Rae/John Legend mashup? Rascal Flatts paying tribute to "Hotel California"?, who would've fucken thought) and nearly no upbeat songs (the R&B tribute was the second fast one, and why was there even an R&B tribute?)

Good stuff:

- Xtina doing a phenomenal James Brown, the best performance of the night by far. She got the moves and intensity down and continues to slowly, reluctantly earn my respect in small granules.

- Timberlake and T.I. with that chick people voted on doing the song of the year. Look, I couldn't give a shit if Timberlake looks like ass through a handheld cam, the girl doesn't add a thing to the performance, or a shitgimmick like this just signifies how out-of-touch the Grammys are more and more. . . I can watch T.I. make those faces for ages.

- Shakira/Wyclef and Cee-Lo doing solid performances of great songs I've seen better performances of.

- Chris Brown suprising the shit out of me with the night's best performance showmanship-wise, with adorable little hoodie kids doing backflips and yard stomping and all kinds of crazy, legitimate dance shit documented by bad Nick Cannon movies. And hey, "Run It!" is not a bad song, it turns out.

- Carrie Underwood is official. The girl lives up to the world's conventional standards of hotness so much more than Fergie or Jessica Simpson does, and she can sing. Oh, fuck, can she sing. Like, that is how you take a performance I am not interested in AT ALL, and turn it into something mesmerizing, even if ugly-ass, greasy-ass, untalented-ass Rascal Flatts has to cut in every couple minutes. She did fucking "Desperado" and made me like it!!!

Bad stuff:

- Ludacris did a shitty song with musicians out of his league and beat out T.I. and The Roots for a shit album and single nobody liked. His only redemption was thanking Bill O'Reilly in his speech, which actually prompted me to Wikipedia O'Reilly just to make sure he's never won an award (and not only hasn't he, but he lied about winning a Peabody!). But this win is so indicative of why Grammy voters are fucking LIARS. I mean, Pharrell's In My Mind got nominated, and it's pretty much indisputable that no one liked it, but if Pharrell is a "Grammy-friendly" name, why couldn't he get a Producer of the Year nod for Hell Hath No Fury? Bullshit.

- Mary J. Blige got way too emotional over winning when she won for a way better song 2002 and her performance was better then too. Of course, the blander a "veteran" or "new" artist is, the more likely he/she is to score this many nominations: James Blunt, Green Day, Norah Jones, Red Hot Chili Peppers. No one wants to admit her voice isn't actually all that, because she's the only R&B singer from her generation to make it this far, except for Mariah, who lacks the cred that Blige has somewhat earned. But she fail to best her own standard: YouTube 2002's Grammy-shattering "No More Drama" performance, with Blige writhing around onstage, painting a pretty convincing picture of actual drama.

-The Police doing a tame but solid "Roxanne" until they cater to Sting's bullshit and decide to space out and go jazz less than 2 minutes in. . . this is the opening performance at the fucking Grammys?

- Beyonce made a fine album this year and instead of performing something great from it, she did her fucking Dreamgirls song again, continuing the shit slow song trend of the night. I almost punched the screen when Wyclef and Shakira started "Hips Don't Lie" as a ballad, too.

- The Chili Peppers and Dixie Chicks are both very good bands who made seriously bad albums this year and like I said before, inbred Grammy voters continually allow shit like that to coast on their reputations. . . I would've rather John Mayer won Album of the Year if Timberlake or Gnarls couldn't. And the guy from Semisonic really needs to calm down about having a part in "Not Ready to Make Nice." It's not like they weren't going to write about that anyway. And that song is so bad I almost wish I was a Republican.

- Corinne Bailey Rae/John Mayer/John Legend put me to sleep except during Mayer's solo. Why is that guy completely uncapable of writing an entire song that electrifying?

- Quentin Tarantino continues to embarass himself and looks like a douchebag, even next to Don Henley. When I go see Grind House I'll just pretend the chick with the machine gun leg is popping him right in the fucking mouth with that shit.

- How many times do I have to make clear that Al Gore is a great, heroic person, but does not belong at music awards shows?

- Gnarls and JT getting shut out from all but minor-ass categories. . .why would they let Timberlake perform twice, with the night's biggest advertised gimmick, and not give him anything?

Verdict: R&B and pop are more in touch than ever, with what makes them so important to the world at large. No matter how bad the Grammys try to bland them out, serious performers than many indie kids and all Hinder fans like to think are tard-dumb are outsmarting your eyes and ears now at the top of their game. Cee-Lo, Shakira, Justin, T.I., Christina, Chamillionaire, even Nelly Furtado and Chris Brown, and the unnominated Lil' Wayne, Clipse, Ghostface, you are my future, please do your best to rid the world of this need for Corinne Bailey Rae and John Mayer type shit. And hey, I even like Mayer's new single. But in no way should that guy be up for Album of the Year.